From the locker room of my parenting memories…
You might have a toddler if:
1. You have a high tolerance to foul, often putrid, odours.
2. You have excellent night vision, and ‘object on floor’ radar.
3. You have a high tolerance to high pitch, enormous volume squeals even at point blank range.
4. You know the words to numerous children’s TV show themes.
5. You can often be heard asking ‘Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?’ whilst in you are asleep.
6. You used to read a novel a week, now the most written stimulation you get is ‘Toy contains moving parts, not suitable for children under 3’.
7. You observe the above toy warning and you still give it to your child.
8. Before vacuuming the floor, first you must clear the debris and check for survivors.
9. You are oblivious to the pounding on the toilet door whilst you are inside.
10. When asked if you saw the news, you say ‘Yes, I hear Tinky Winky managed to locate Dipsy’s hat.’
11. You look forward to a day off and when it comes all you can do is sit and absorb the silence.
12. You look forward to a night off and when it comes all you can do is sleep.
13. You convert swear words into vaguely similar or rhyming alternatives.
14. You can often be heard saying, ‘Shhh, now come on now, calm down’, who you are referring to is sometimes the child.
15. When looking for a missing item you look in the toilet bowl.
16. The discovery of pieces of soggy biscuit and other pieces of half-eaten food in your pocket does not disturb you.
17. Your pets often appear traumatised or can rarely be seen out in the open space.