Bi the Bi Positive

*Satire* Unsure? Google “satire” before reading further. I shared an article recently about how being sex positive is viewed by the world on Facebook. I’ve been online dating recently and a few things have been brought this into a stronger focus for me. The reactions I’ve experienced to wearing a vulva costume (if they find my comedy page) and to being sex positive are interesting. Add to that the perceptions of bisexuality and it’s a recipe for utter heteronormative wankery. So I thought I clear a few things up (this is tongue in cheek, not a vent, no advice or splaining required, just read and enjoy or ignore):

1. Bisexual does not mean I want a threesome. I usually want someone of any gender who has a brain – with a range of traits I admire. If your brain automatically takes you to “threesome” when you hear bisexual you don’t have much of a brain. *There are sex positive people who are up for a threesome of all sexualities, but best not to make assumptions.

2. Sex positive does not mean I’ll have sex with you just because you offer or place pressure or obligation upon your “sexy” offer. That just makes you a creep. Even if you are not a creep and I lose interest, I’ve lost interest. Try being interesting. I might joke about being “greedy” as a bisexual – but I don’t mean gluttonous. Sex drive is personal and not dependent on sexuality. A little bit like choice of car. Some people drive a 4WD and never go off road, some 4WD drive owners regularly off road and others wish they had a 4WD and complain about everybody who does. Don’t be the latter person whilst secretly wishing someone in a 4WD will pick you up. If you want a 4WD, consider owning one and if that’s for you, own one and drive it how you like.

3. Sex positive does not mean sex all the time, with anybody because you can – it means you are not hung up on what sex may or may not mean to you. It may still mean that sex + people have things that turn them on or off – and they are unlikely to judge others for the same. Sex addiction is something else. Think of it like “I like a drink when I feel like it on a regular or non-regular basis”…not “I want to live above a pub, wear a hip flask and maintain a blood alcohol level at all times”.

4. Sex talk or talk about sex does not worry, shock or delight me in the slightest – it’s neutral. That being said, if you think talking sex all the time is to impress me or get my attention, I’m going to go “sex is a normal, intrinsic part of life, like walking, eating, sleeping and normalising it is important but I don’t talk about sex all day”. If you do talk about sex incessantly, I’m going to ask you if you talk about eating, walking and sleeping at the same frequency. If so, I understand, but if not; your point is?

nb: politicians obsessed with regulating other people’s sex lives need to shut up and sit down. That or get a good dominatrix to sort themselves out (yes Cory Bernardi, I mean you).

5. I wear a massive pink vulva on stage. That’s about being okay with bodies and not viewing them or any part of them as ugly or dirty – not about sex per se. I don’t tell sex jokes wearing the vulva – that’s low hanging fruit. If unsure please read numbers 1 – 4, over and over until you fucking get it.

6. Being open about sexuality does not mean anyone deserves to be a target for other peoples hang ups. It does mean people misunderstand and that’s okay. Again if you have a problem with people openly declaring that they are not heterosexual, then perhaps you need to examine your own attitudes about sex first. Being open is a way to prevent people with hang ups wasting my time. It’s like a sign at a restaurant, no more, no less. The whole fucking universe (literally) is not all straight and some non-straight people are only speaking up because you heteronormatively obsessed people are walking into a buffet looking only for lentils and then getting annoyed cause it’s a buffet.

7. Consent. This one word is like the most important word in the sexual universe. If you don’t fully appreciate it, do some fucking research. Same goes for the necessary sexual and reproductive health precautions.

And finally…

8. Yes, I like “dick” (I can’t people ask this though!!!). Sometimes. Sometimes I don’t. Depends on who it is connected to or operated by (more likely to be women). Yes, indignant phrases like “but you like dick right?” have been said to me by a few people of the male gender when I’ve not been interested and they are feeling confused. Having a dick does not make you automatically and irresistibly attractive. What makes you attractive is a combination of actions, words and physical and non-physical features. But carrying on about how I should like your dick is not a free pass to anything other than sexual dinosaur land. Remember dinosaurs? Extinct, yes?

Don’t be a dinosaur 🙂 or though I always kinda liked those ones with the really long necks that snorted snot on the kids in Jurassic Park movie.

#sexpositive #heteronormativebullshitcanfuckoff

#bisexual