Laugh. I love making people laugh.
Yet I have not laughed much myself for near on two years. The decision to move to Melbourne after living remote for a long time has been hard.
It has taken a monumental mental health crash to realise this. My social anxiety has been debilitating since a workplace injury. But I am working really hard to recover. But I need to sleep a lot, and I have had to ask for help and get help like I haven’t had to since my 20’s (when I was recovering from a temporary brain injury).
Part of that is doing the things I love that are light years away from Community Services. In fact, it looks like I can no longer work in community services and I have had to grieve that. One burn out too many.
I do have two comedy performances coming up (a creativity workshop and a small run of four shows in March) – but I was hoping that this year I would be performing more, not less. This mental health crash means I still need to perform, I just don’t have the spoons to do it much and I have to get lots of support to be able to. Self-care has been a struggle, but friends have rallied around and I am immensely grateful to them.
Yesterday I did the washing six times, the same washing. Because I would forget and go to sleep and…yep…rinse cycle.
Some might think that the definition of irony for someone who loves writing, producing and performing comedy is to experience the mental health challenges as I do.
Or is it? Oh dear, there is that dreaded stereotype about comedians and mental health. But it isn’t just comedians. It’s everyone that is at risk.
I repeat. EVERYONE.
I started this blog a long time ago when I was about to trek the Annapurna circuit in the Himalayas and this blog was to raise funds for Beyond Blue. And to talk about happiness, of all things. Since then it morphed into my comedy website.
The fact is that trip to Nepal was life changing, the evolution of this blog reflects that fact. I was trekking with a partner and during the trek we just missed being caught in the October 2014 avalanche and freak storm that killed 39. Our next two days of trekking were very scary indeed.
Things unravelled. My partner and I split two days later and when I returned to Australia I moved out two days after we landed. The stress of these things brings truth to the fore.
For me that truth was, bisexual me was forcing a relationship that was making me miserable. Playing house. Those who know me well know that this is plainly ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is that since then I have realised I am also grey asexual, meaning real attractions for me are rarer than for most. I was bullying myself to conform.
Today I felt like, for the first time since an awful period of suicidality in November/December 2019 – like I could be aware enough to count my blessings. Whilst I practice gratitude, when you are facing intense mental health challenges you can be practicing but not really practicing.
Some things I have shed from my 45th year (the beginning of this blog) to my 50th year:
- Gender binary conformity
- Giving a shit about what other people think about me
- Denial of my neurodiversity – being okay with both the strengths and impairment of being autistic and having chronic illness
- The desire to conform to ideas of monetary success (money stress still sucks though)
- Throwing in the bin any remaining concerns about the expectations of my family to be CISHET, regular job, non-artistic or any of there discrimination of the basis of neurodivergence.
Some things I am embracing:
- Family isn’t biological. My friends are my family.
- Love is love and everyone deserves it.
- It’s okay to need help.
- I like me for the first time ever.
- The status quo is not for me, so an arts career is probably where I should be!
- I don’t have to be all things to all people.
- Don’t read the comments.
- Fuck shame. It can piss off.
- ENBY BI GREY-A intersectionality.
- Block trolls.
- Stay political.
So now, at the beginning of my 50th year I think it’s time to laugh more. Very soon I will be a laughter yoga leader and delivering this will make sure I am laughing with others, regularly.
I am going to laughter yoga, comedy write and rest myself back to better health. I am very limited in the time I can spend on any task at the moment and I am aware this is long path yet. But I will persist. To quote Joe Cocker, “I’ll get by with a little help from my friends”.
Picture of me laughing for attention.