I’ve been doing comedy almost three years now. It takes all my hours outside of my day job. It has consumed my life for the last 13 months.
I started doing comedy to hold space as a fat, nonbinary, autistic femme. None of those words are insults, they are descriptors of diversity. And diversity is a beautiful, interesting thing.
I just want to hold space as me. I’ve only started to do that recently.
My first gigs were traditional comedy. Boom, boom, tish, punchline based standup. https://youtu.be/YS-1KO6pGB4
Then Labelled happened. I fully embraced who I was and wanted to tell stories, not punchlines. https://youtu.be/Q-VNpvLSxN0
Audio-visual. Make people think about the issues of judging each other.
Anyway, I’m tired and I’ve lost my mojo and as far as I am concerned it’s showing on stage. Because I’m starting to measure myself against the mainstream again.
I did a show called Mad Pride last night and felt like I wasn’t shiny enough.
I let my anxiety rule me about performing in the same show as someone as shiny as Felicity. But I’m not Felicity Ward (who is fantastic by the way). I’m not skinny, fast and furious and filled with hilarity.
I’m fat, different, non straight, meandering, making people think and laugh at stories at a slower pace. But last night I was so unhappy with that. I lost lots of the energy I brought to the first solo show in Darwin.
I’m too worried about not being Felicity, that I’ve lost sight of the plan to hold space for everyone who isn’t Felicity.
I’ve been tearing myself apart about this performance – until Heidi Everett reminded me to just hold space.
So, I’m taking a break from too much comedy and going off in search of finding my mojo again. I’m gonna do other forms of fun things I like. Sing. Improv. Radio. Poetry. Writing. Just anything other than anything remotely resembling mainstream comedy.
I’m going to hold space. I wanted to change up what the shiny people do and I need to stop measuring myself against mainstream. I want to honour the;
Not pretty enough
Not popular enough
Visible panty and legging lined!
We don’t have to be shiny in a mainstream popular culture way.