Bi the Bi Positive

*Satire* Unsure? Google “satire” before reading further. I shared an article recently about how being sex positive is viewed by the world on Facebook. I’ve been online dating recently and a few things have been brought this into a stronger focus for me. The reactions I’ve experienced to wearing a vulva costume (if they find my comedy page) and to being sex positive are interesting. Add to that the perceptions of bisexuality and it’s a recipe for utter heteronormative wankery. So I thought I clear a few things up (this is tongue in cheek, not a vent, no advice or splaining required, just read and enjoy or ignore):

1. Bisexual does not mean I want a threesome. I usually want someone of any gender who has a brain – with a range of traits I admire. If your brain automatically takes you to “threesome” when you hear bisexual you don’t have much of a brain. *There are sex positive people who are up for a threesome of all sexualities, but best not to make assumptions.

2. Sex positive does not mean I’ll have sex with you just because you offer or place pressure or obligation upon your “sexy” offer. That just makes you a creep. Even if you are not a creep and I lose interest, I’ve lost interest. Try being interesting. I might joke about being “greedy” as a bisexual – but I don’t mean gluttonous. Sex drive is personal and not dependent on sexuality. A little bit like choice of car. Some people drive a 4WD and never go off road, some 4WD drive owners regularly off road and others wish they had a 4WD and complain about everybody who does. Don’t be the latter person whilst secretly wishing someone in a 4WD will pick you up. If you want a 4WD, consider owning one and if that’s for you, own one and drive it how you like.

3. Sex positive does not mean sex all the time, with anybody because you can – it means you are not hung up on what sex may or may not mean to you. It may still mean that sex + people have things that turn them on or off – and they are unlikely to judge others for the same. Sex addiction is something else. Think of it like “I like a drink when I feel like it on a regular or non-regular basis”…not “I want to live above a pub, wear a hip flask and maintain a blood alcohol level at all times”.

4. Sex talk or talk about sex does not worry, shock or delight me in the slightest – it’s neutral. That being said, if you think talking sex all the time is to impress me or get my attention, I’m going to go “sex is a normal, intrinsic part of life, like walking, eating, sleeping and normalising it is important but I don’t talk about sex all day”. If you do talk about sex incessantly, I’m going to ask you if you talk about eating, walking and sleeping at the same frequency. If so, I understand, but if not; your point is?

nb: politicians obsessed with regulating other people’s sex lives need to shut up and sit down. That or get a good dominatrix to sort themselves out (yes Cory Bernardi, I mean you).

5. I wear a massive pink vulva on stage. That’s about being okay with bodies and not viewing them or any part of them as ugly or dirty – not about sex per se. I don’t tell sex jokes wearing the vulva – that’s low hanging fruit. If unsure please read numbers 1 – 4, over and over until you fucking get it.

6. Being open about sexuality does not mean anyone deserves to be a target for other peoples hang ups. It does mean people misunderstand and that’s okay. Again if you have a problem with people openly declaring that they are not heterosexual, then perhaps you need to examine your own attitudes about sex first. Being open is a way to prevent people with hang ups wasting my time. It’s like a sign at a restaurant, no more, no less. The whole fucking universe (literally) is not all straight and some non-straight people are only speaking up because you heteronormatively obsessed people are walking into a buffet looking only for lentils and then getting annoyed cause it’s a buffet.

7. Consent. This one word is like the most important word in the sexual universe. If you don’t fully appreciate it, do some fucking research. Same goes for the necessary sexual and reproductive health precautions.

And finally…

8. Yes, I like “dick”. Sometimes. Sometimes I don’t. Depends on who it is connected to or operated by. Yes, indignant phrases like “but you like dick right?” have been said to me by a few people of the male gender when I’ve not been interested and they are feeling confused. Having a dick does not make you automatically and irresistibly attractive. What makes you attractive is a combination of actions, words and physical and non-physical features. But carrying on about how I should like your dick is not a free pass to anything other than sexual dinosaur land. Remember dinosaurs? Extinct, yes?

Don’t be a dinosaur 🙂 or though I always kinda liked those ones with the really long necks that snorted snot on the kids in Jurassic Park movie.

#sexpositive #heteronormativebullshitcanfuckoff

#bisexual

On “Settling Down”, Comedy, the C Word and Creativity

Been a while since I last blogged and a lot has changed.   Haven’t travelled since Cambodia (except domestically for work purposes), but moved back to Alice Springs and “settled down”.  Or my version of that anyway.
I realised that I kept running away because I was conforming (as a woman) to settling as being about the  mythical white-picket fence story.
Instead of running, I have dug in, so to speak, to reclaiming my identity, in Alice Springs; through getting serious about my art, writing and continuing to develop my stand up comedy.  Whilst I am still very passionate about my “day job” – it has become more and more about a means to an end.  The end being embracing who I am and not compromising that identity, least of all to any patriarchal concept of what my femaleness is supposed to mean.
My comedy and art are both about sexual rights, anti-slut shaming and anti-body shaming.  It is funny, but makes a point too.
No, I am not intending to shock – because NONE of this should be shocking.
This “settling down” for me consists:
  1. A day job where I represent a number of NGO’s to government and has lots of advocacy that supports those directly acting for those who are experiencing disadvantage.
  2. Four paintings, a series of stylised vagina paintings, embedded in nature.  Cause vaginas are natural you know – not something to be ashamed of and hidden.  They have titles that include the word Cunt.  TreeCunt and FloralCunt are the first two. AnatomicalCunt is the third and the fourth is yet to be titled.  The fact is, that penises are everywhere in art, why on earth are not vaginas?  Yeah there has been some artistic expressions and it’s growing, but honestly I am over the response they get as shocking.
  3. Stand up comedy that is about women owning their sexuality and has an anti-slut and body shaming context. Note: I don’t talk about sexual acts, I tell stories that are funny and about real life situations where we can choose to own our sexuality or be ashamed of it – and choosing to own it.
Women have the same creative rights as men and I will not back down on the language or medium I use for the fear of being reprimanded as not “lady like”.
So thus the title of this post – if it offends you I suggest you take a good look at the world today before you get upset about the Cunt word.  First of all Cunt was once a good word to describe a woman and her vagina in almost sacred ways.  Sure, it may not always have been flattering, but it hasn’t always been the put down it is now.
In case there are rattles, I do swear in my comedy.   The swear rate is just about 5% yet I know it raises eyebrows. I for one, am sick of double standards that say it’s okay to use it in a negative light and not okay to use it to reclaim it’s old value.  In my comedy I Cunt once or twice tops, and probably five other expletives.
A woman comedian owning swearing on stage and the use of the word Cunt is apparently scary to some.
Me?  I am scared of war, death and poverty, but not profanity. 
Like most things I do, I am committed to doing it properly.  I have been doing workshops and learning from other comedians.
Last week I had some professional comedy shots taken.  Cause I have a few upcoming gigs in the new year and I want serious promotional material.
jaccipillar
Jacci Pillar is my stage name.  Pillar was my paternal grandmothers maiden name.  Check her page out at  https://www.facebook.com/JacciPillar/
Some savvy friends noticed the middle finger on my comedy shot, instead of my pinky lifted while drinking tea.  Well done. 🙂 subtle but truthful depiction of my supposed contradictions!
Last week when in Darwin for work and as happens to me sometimes; I received a stream of judgements from varying people about what I should aspire to.
All from people I can’t tell to fuck off (for obvious reasons). I ended up feeling “lacking” (momentarily) – then….I came home to my much loved apartment in the desert.
To my own space in Alice Springs which is becoming uniquely me. And I didn’t feel “alone”, like some think I should. I came back to friends who don’t judge but support. I felt content. I am currently buying this space. Alone (yay!).   A man has never been a plan for me.
I really don’t want a partner…it is only when in the presence of other people who think I should I begin to feel “less”.
I don’t give a flying fruitloop what other people think…but like anyone I can start to respond to the pressure of “normalisation” that surrounds us as women.
Last weeks “settle down” judgement list looked something like this:
Be thinner.
Be partnered.
Don’t paint cunts or talk about them either.
Don’t be vocal about sexual rights.
Don’t be “picky” about who I date.
Don’t aim to be good at anything, just  average will do (this from a guy I once liked and am glad I didn’t follow through).
And finally, that I should “settle down”.
I am settled thank you very much.
Settled on being who I am, how I can best use my skills and abilities without having to end up a slave to someone else’s idea of who I am.
My judgement of these judgments? Considering I have had to hear so much of it lately? Stick your boring, mainstream, self-medicating white-picket fence up your ass!
Special thank you to Joyce Van Dijk Photography for my new head shots! Thank you – check her work out here